Bad Mommy Blues--P.II

Hubs and I finally had a meeting with DD#2 and her teacher. Turns out she is getting an "F" in Science because she had not turned in a test that had to be signed nor had she turned in her science project.

"Wait a minute," Hubs says. "I remember you working on your science project. Where is it."

"At home," DD#2 replies.

"Why didn't you turn it in?" Hubs asks, in that perplexed-parent tone of voice you get when you don't know why your child did something so blatantly dumb.

No answer.

Hubs and I look at each other. Light dawns.

"You didn't think it was good enough," he says.

DD#2 doesn't have to answer. Her sheepish look says it all.

Her teacher, God love him, is under 30 and is not a parent.

"You mean you would rather get zero points than turn in an incomplete project?" he asks. His voice is incredulous.

Hubs and I sigh. This is not the first time DD#2 has done this. It will not be the last. I have witness her spend hours on a project only to tear it up and toss it away because it wasn't "good enough."

Why she is like this is something of a mystery. She is a selective perfectionist. She constantly compares herself and her abilities to the adults around her and to her older siblings and, consequently, finds her abilities wanting. She doesn't care that she reads better or draws better than anyone else in her class. She doesn't read better than me, she doesn't draw better than the art teacher, and the fact that we have 40 or 30 years of experience on her doesn't matter to her. She can outspell her siblings, but she will never catch up with them.

My problem, as her mother, is not the why but how to teach her to let herself be good enough. To take 70 points instead of 100. Sometimes its more important just to do the project, rather than to do it perfectly. Of course, that realization was a long time coming for me as well.

DD#2 is also good at "hiding." She figures if she stays quiet and in a corner, no one will notice her. At the conference, her teacher pointed out that not only did he know about this strategy, but so did all her other teachers. I reminded her that one "F" meant that she could not play CYO Volleyball. And she was letting down her team.

She hates being put on the spot like that.

Since receiving Homework Deficiencies and Conduct Referrals don't seem to bother her, we have some new strategies. She will go to tutoring afterschool, so she has a quiet place to do her homework. She was allowed to turn in her science project. She found the signed test buried in her backpack. Her teacher will send home a copy of any Missing Work list he gives to her so that she can't hide that, either. She has three weeks until Christmas vacation and then we'll evaluate if these are working.