Reconciliation

Friday afternoon the surgeon called. She has an opening for the next Wednesday--do I want it?

Next Wednesday? I wasn't planning to have surgery for another two weeks! I have projects to do, customers to train, reports to send off!

After I finished hyperventilating, I accepted.

Then I spent the weekend catching up with chores. The simple ones: dishes, laundry, taking down the Christmas tree and the decorations.

Yeah, our tree was still up. I didn't feel too badly, though--many of my friends also had just taken their trees down as well. We commiserated about the boxes now decorating our living rooms.

And I did what any good Catholic does in a crisis: I went to Reconciliation.

I always have difficulty with Reconciliation. It's not that I don't have sins; it's just that my sins seem so... boring. I lose my patience with Hubs and the kids. I have difficulty not holding a grudge against my MIL. I goof off at work and don't give my all. I gossip. I have a "smart mouth."

How many times have I confessed to these over the course of my life? (With Hubs & kids taking the place of parents and siblings.) I have improved some--I'm much better at restraining my impulse for the "zinger" around people I don't know well. But, overall, my weaknesses are my weaknesses and improvement is incremental.

Reconciliation is also a lot like getting called into the Principal's office. My hands get cold, my heart races. I am now going to hold myself accountable to someone. It's kind of like announcing that I'm going on a diet. My sins become public, as does my failure to reform. If I don't tell anyone, no one will know that I've failed except me. And I can continue on the charade of being a better person than I know I am.

Because going to Reconciliation (especially since this was as an individual) is so tough, I know it's good for me. Humbles me in a real way. And I always feel better afterwards, especially if the priest doesn't let me off the hook too easily--which some of them do.

Am I ready to face what Wednesday will bring? Not entirely. But more than before.